Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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