I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
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i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI