why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?