**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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