The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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