omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
