My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
