jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
