my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
