You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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