How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
17 year olds will be the death of me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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