My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
