my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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