i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
