I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
