i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
