I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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