"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There's always time for handjobs
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
