Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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