She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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