So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
