Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize