also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
