We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
