im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
