Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
