I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
