Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
