What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
