Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
