How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
