So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
