one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
