My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
