She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
