I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
