I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
