the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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