I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
we should paint friendship bongs
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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