Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
