I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
if only i could text you this smell
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
