Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize