My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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