i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
