I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
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Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
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I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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