i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
