Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
