You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
