these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
