my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
