Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just puked most of my soul out..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
