I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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