checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
