Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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