so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
