she looked like the bat from fern gully.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
