Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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