i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
sarcasm needs its own font
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
