the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
