By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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