The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
