I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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